This session really was so incredibly special to us. This precious couple came to us to document their IVF journey and their path to having their first child. We felt absolutely honored that they would want us to be a part of such a intimate and raw part of their story together.
They have been trying to conceive since they got married two years ago, and have finally decided to pursue another route to make their little one. We were very interested to learn about the process and what it entails: medicine, needles, and lots of prayer! They plan to include their family in on the whole process and finally open up to others about their experience so maybe other couples going through the same thing can feel relieved that they aren’t alone and this IS a common thing! After a tearful session, I asked this precious couple to send me some Do’s and Don’t of talking points with women and men that may be going through this same adventure… really, people, just be mindful of what you say and how it may affect someone!
Let’s talk about infertility and IVF with the Fishers: All of these suggestions and points are straight from a couple going through this and are valuable for anyone to remember!
Advice to someone about to start IVF or going through infertility:
- Stay Positive
- Don’t compare your story to anyone else’s
- Do your own research
- Have expectations and manage them
- Don’t keep your emotions bottled up. – The best thing we ever did was telling our friends and family. We got so much love and support. It also helps when people know what you are going through so they can also stop asking the question “when are yall going to have a baby?”
- Document the whole journey so you can one day look back on all the struggles and successes!
- Post things on social media to educate others. So many people struggle in silence and it helps when someone you know is also struggling with the same or similar issues.
- Cry if you feel like crying.
- Become closer in your relationship. Don’t let infertility cause issues in your marriage. – This whole process so far has brought me and my husband so much closer emotionally and mentally. Be each other’s backbone. Some days are harder than others.
Things to NOT say or do to someone going through IVF/Infertility:
- “Just relax it will happen when you least expect it to” – Telling a couple to relax when they have a medical problem that is keeping them from conceiving.
- “Enjoy life while you’re young. You still have plenty of time” – This makes it seem like you are minimizing the couple’s pain and hurt they are going through or as they should just push aside the feelings.
- “Maybe you aren’t meant to be parents” – Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
- “You could always adopt” or “There are plenty of kids that need adopted” – Adoption in America is just as expensive as IVF if not more and any person should have the opportunity to have a kid of their own.
- Don’t be crude or make jokes. – Nothing will ever be funny about infertility. Jokes are nothing but irritating.
- Don’t ask whose “fault” it is – Sometimes people don’t want to explain their struggles and not 1 person in the relationship should be pointed out as the “problem”.
- Don’t assume that the infertility is female factor. – 1/3 of infertility is female, 1/3 is male factor and 1/3 is unexplained.
- “That’s a lot of money to be spending for something that’s not guaranteed”
- “Have you tried this…” “My friend did this and it worked for them you should try…” – Not everyone is the same. Each couple is different.
Things TO say to someone going through IVF/Infertility:
- “I don’t know how you feel but let me know If you need anything”
- Ask questions in a way of showing interest – For example: What’s your next step in the process.
- “I hope everything works out”
- Pray for them and let them know you will keep them in your thoughts.
- Support their decision even if you don’t agree with it.
Notes from Sam and Jonathan:
Jonathan and I can attest to this whole experience, not because we have gone through infertility (we have never tried to conceive) but because we ALWAYS get asked, “when are y’all going to have a baby?” We get it. We LOVE playing with your newborn, chasing two year olds around for a picture, and watching couples hold their newborn in the hospital after hours of labor. It is understood that we love children otherwise we wouldn’t be surrounding ourselves with them non-stop.
We know that we want children in the future whether they be adopted, biological, or even foster, but we haven’t been in a hurry to do so. We have been building our business, traveling, and trying to get our life in order before we bring another life into the world.
If we were trying to conceive without any luck, a comment like that might **unknowingly by the person asking** make me upset and uncomfortable. From the moment a couple gets married, people are always pushing the “next step” whether it be buying a house, starting a family, etc. Not many allow you to even enjoy the moment you are in without pushing the next expectation they have on their list for you. Let every couple do their thing and figure it out on their timeline, and be EXCITED for the goals they have on their timeline. You never know how your words affect someone.
Have you or a loved one gone through the experience of infertility? Or have you pursued IVF to conceive? Have you adopted or fostered? Comment on this blog below, share the blog with your story, or send to someone that needs to read it.
Do you feel led to help Kelcie and Dustin on their IVF journey? Venmo them at @KelcieFisher and continue to pray over them and their journey.